Feel insecure and build self confidence

Feeling insecure is normal. There are very few people who are self-confident all the time and never feel insecure. As a life coach I see that most of my clients are dealing with insecurity and it is probably the number one issue why people come to see me. As human beings we don’t want to feel insecure and often feel ashamed about it, thinking we are the only one feeling like this and no one else. But is this truly so and is trying to hide our insecure feelings always the best thing to do?

Everyone, more or less, is dealing with insecure feelings. We may not like it but feeling insecure is quite normal and part of life. It may surprise you but as a life coach, sometimes, I feel insecure myself. This week a client didn’t show up and my first, insecure, thought was “is it because of me, am I not good enough?” Now I have been trained to deal with this and normally have a lot of self-confidence. But still, insecure feelings sometimes present themselves and I have to deal with them.

People deal differently with insecure feelings. When feeling insecure, most people try to hide it, ignore it or pretend it doesn’t exist. Some pretend to have a lot of self-confidence, playing the self-confidence role, while still feel insecure on a deeper level. Others become frustrated or angry. Some will run away, wanting to escape the situation. And another group will become very silent, feeling ashamed. Everyone is different and no one is perfect.

Whatever the case may be, there’s usually one thing in common: we don’t want to acknowledge our own insecurity. We may be able to get away with it for a while but at some point in our lives the insecure feelings will get stronger and stronger unless we start to acknowledge them.

How to overcome insecurity

The first step towards self-confidence is the ability to acknowledge your own insecurity. Once you acknowledge your own insecurity you can overcome it.

Don’t try to hide your insecurity, feel it. There is nothing wrong with the feeling or with you. Feeling insecure is part of who you are. You are not alone. Most people who are acting with super confidence on the outside are insecure on the inside. It’s just a role they are playing.

Once you feel how insecure you are, once you acknowledge it, you can work towards building more self-confidence. Can you locate the insecure feeling in your body? Don’t try to run away from it but instead focus on it. Feel it. Acknowledging insecurity is the first step towards self-confidence. True self-confidence means you acknowledge your feelings, all your feelings, including your own insecurity.

Building self-confidence is the next step. Learn to recognize when you feel insecure. In what kind of situations does it happen? Is there an inner critic in you who makes you feel insecure? Learn to recognize the patterns and start building from there. Allow yourself to feel insecure. Insecurity has its function too. It warns you for taking too much risks. What would happen if you feel super confident all the time? How many unhealthy risks would you take?

To conclude this article, let’s go back to my own insecure feeling when my client didn’t showed up. I accepted the feeling completely. I was fully conscious of the fact that the feeling was there and allowed it to be fully present. The feeling was part of me, why ignore it? While I was doing this I was thinking about what had happened. What was the most logical explanation for the client not showing up? Did he forget to meet me, or something else? The moment I did this, the feeling went away.

When I called the client the next morning I found out the issue wasn’t about me at all. We simply had made an error writing the date of the meeting each on a different date in our calendars.

5 comments… add one
  • Christopher Reddington May 24, 2010 @ 18:34

    Hi my name is Chris.

    I m a twenty seven year old male.
    I have always seemed to have a few insecureities and I hate them, sometime my insecurities make me hate myself. I m finding it hard to go out and live my life the way I really want to live it for constant fear of failing. I hate to say this next part but I ve been have been dreaming about suicide. Its not like I want to dream about it, I just get really low sometimes and find i cant talk to anyone about what I m feeling or whats going through my mind or if I try to its hard for me to talk sensibly about it. It just comes out all topsy turvy.
    I feel like I could shut myself away and hide from everything and I don t want this to happen. I am finding it hard to consentrate on the goods thing I ve done. Even now I m thinking to myself I shouldn t be sending this there are other people who need help more than me.
    I am insecure, with low self isteem issues, I know this and I don t want to be this scared little kid stuck in mans body anymore. I want to become the man my mind wont let me become.
    thank you for listening

  • patrick May 26, 2010 @ 21:15

    Thank you for sharing your story with me. I think it takes a lot of courage to talk about ones own insecurity. I can tell you that you are not alone. Most people deal with insecure feelings. I know I do sometimes. You said there are other people who need more help then you do do. But how can you be so sure of this? Reading your comment I think you have all the right in the world to be heard. Suffering from insecurity and low self esteem can feel pretty bad.

    Maybe I can help you with the following questions: Is feeling insecure always bad? What would happen if you start loving your insecurities instead of hating them? What Has self-esteem always been an issue for you? And can you remember a time that insecurity and self esteem wasn’t an issue for you? What changed this feeling?

    I live in The Netherlands, and besides this e-mail the only thing that is on my power to help you is to set up a private call. If you would like this, let me know. You should not face this issue alone. My preferred suggestion would be that you setup a face-to-face meeting with someone that can help you with your insecurity and self-esteem. I suggest you get some help from a professional in your neighborhood. With the right tools, everyone can improving self-esteem.

    If you’re not yet ready to get some help, may I then suggest some books to read? The first book that popped into my mind was “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. Another good one is “Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem” by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. Both books are different in approach, but they teach you to be conscious of your thoughts.

    Kind regards,


  • Dimple Aug 24, 2010 @ 9:00

    Hi Dear Chris,
    I ve been living alone for 10 years my dad and mom died when i was at 18s. Since then i started to live my life as a solidier maybe, i always wanted to be strongest and wanted the best for me, cause i believed my family did so too when they were alive. moreover i have brother, 10 years younger than me -i am 29 now- . still i m living like this. I generally had some problems in my relationship with bf s, the problem was my bonding and giving everything to my bfs by makin them the center of my world. today when i have a look at it- cause i don t want it to be like this anymore, just to be able to stand where i am, in my shoes and with my qualities, fantasies, love, truths, i mean with my life, i want to stand in relations -all kind of. but i ve so much way to go still, anyway i realised the difference i know this is a hard work and also very good thing.
    in these days i changed my job cause the other one i did not like and want to change
    , and also i was waiting to change the house i live in, so i am doing what i want in my life. these are good things but i live money problems so firstfully i began to stay at my best friends home for a while, and now gonna start to look for a house for myself and brother.. anyway, i am feeling very insecure, i always felt that. i have only friends but of course verybody lives their own life. i feel my best friend is a little bit cold to me but don t know maybe she s got own problems, maybe she s bored to know my problems so many years. that s the case i try to smile but i am gettin bored too, cause i need support maybe, even i don t care sometimes.
    i just get bored and anxious to be critised by her, i just really got bored with this idea, sometimes when we have talked, she gave advices as a friend but maybe sometime mother like. and, i ve got fear to be critisied by her. even i want to be the perfect one to be seen that i am doing the right things. i began to behave as if i should prove i am doing the right, now i am different.. i am changing of course, and i want to for my life my own life and my own wishes but cant stand this behavior of mine, that i should show and prove it to someones..as if they won t see it, they do not have respect in me, yeah i am feeling unrespectful when i come to this feeling and, i really get my mood low..

    if you have any comments i am very open.
    i am reading so long time..to find what to do. to behave in right manners.

    thank you for listening.
    regards &loves

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *